🗣️ What to Say (and Not Say) to Trans and Nonbinary People

A Respectful Communication Guide for Allies

Words matter—especially when someone is navigating their gender identity. Whether you’re speaking with a transgender friend, a nonbinary colleague, or a loved one who’s come out recently, the way you speak can affirm, support, or unintentionally harm.

This guide offers practical, compassionate tips on what to say—and what not to say— when interacting with trans and nonbinary people.

✅ What to Say

These phrases build trust, show respect, and let someone know you’re a safe person to talk to:

✔️ “What pronouns do you use?”

• Respectful, direct, and inclusive.

• Even better: share yours first to make them feel safe.

  “Hi, I’m Jamie, and I use they/them pronouns. How about you?”

✔️ “Thanks for trusting me.”

• Coming out or expressing identity is a vulnerable act.

• This shows appreciation without putting pressure.

✔️ “How can I support you right now?”

• Simple and powerful.

• It gives the other person control over what kind of support they want.

✔️ “I’m sorry—I’ll correct myself.”

• If you use the wrong pronoun or name, apologize briefly, correct it, and move on.

• Avoid making it about your guilt. Keep the focus on respect.

❌ What Not to Say

Even with good intentions, some questions or comments can feel invalidating or invasive.

🚫 “What’s your real name?”

• This is called deadnaming—and it’s deeply disrespectful.

• If you need clarification, say:

  “What name would you like me to use?”

🚫 “You don’t look trans/nonbinary.”

• Gender isn’t a look or a costume.

• Compliments should focus on confidence, style, or authenticity—not conformity.

🚫 “I could never tell!”

• This might seem affirming, but it often implies that looking cisgender is the goal. It’s not.

• Try:

  “You look really comfortable in your skin.”

🚫 “But biologically you’re still…”

• Stop right there.

• Nobody owes you medical or anatomical information. Ever.

🚫 “I miss the old you.”

• You may be mourning a past image, but this centers your feelings—not theirs.

• A better alternative:

  “I’m learning to understand this new chapter of you—and I’m here for it.”

💬 Ask Yourself Before You Speak:

• Is this necessary?

• Is this supportive?

• Is this something I’d be okay hearing if I were in their shoes?

If not—pause, listen, and learn instead.

💛 Final Thought

Trans and nonbinary people don’t need perfection.

They need respect, curiosity without entitlement, and people willing to unlearn and grow.

Speak with care.

Listen with intention.

Show up with love.